4/08/2007

Why?

That is a question that I ask myself all the damn time. I like her. Hell probably the closest thing to love that I felt in a long time. She knows it. She has to. I don't know if shes testing me. wanting to see what I'll put up w/ before I can earn her love. I know it shouldn't be that way. That doesn't change anything. Yes it would be easier if she wasn't crashing here. I've enjoyed the time she has spent here. one of the little things I ask is if your trying to sleep w/ my best friend and this isn't some mind fuck then don't act all flirty in front of me. yes you are making me feel like I am intruding while your moving on but its the only tool I have right now. If your trying to wear me down so I give up your doing a damn good job but you wont like the outcome. Hell I'm starting to understand how you feel about B. Maybe you crashing here wasn't the best idea. You knew it and I knew it. it would overly complicate things, but thats not the only thing. its the little things. the I can sleep next to you w/o worrying, telling me that you felt you didn't give me a true shot, telling me that you were thinking of sleeping w/ me. then things get paranoid. you lie to me about were you stayed because you know I would be mad but then you went and told me the next day. then you start telling me that you never said that you would give me a second chance. that you never said that you wanted to fuck me. what can I say girl you learned from the best B stole your heart but you stole his play book. Do I deserve you no. I deserve better. do you deserve me, no but I'm still here.

Why?

Update.

I don't know if you slept w/ him to piss me off. doubt it but hey I'll still wonder. I can be quoted that if you ever slept w/ him I'd define pulling the pin for you. maybe thats why it happened. too bad I cant pull the pin now. damn mothers. You think its a lack of sex on my part. stated that if I got laid then I wouldn't chase after you or at least not as hard. but your wrong. you asked me today if we slept together would I classify it as fucking sex or making love, you were sure that it would be making love well if thats the case then me getting laid by someone else, wouldn't make me stop chasing you would just make be sad and hurtful that it wasn't you. I stated that it would just be sex. the emotional involvement on both our parts isn't great enough to make love. I wish it was but your just not there. OK you don't sleep w/ friends. I get it but shouldn't the people that you date/marry/love be some of your best friends. granted we all have friends other then our lovers, but still shouldn't you be able to tell that special someone anything. you've said that about me. I've told you my biggest secret. I should have told you sooner but at the time that I told you I felt the closest to you. hell you should even be happy that I thought of telling you. that itself is a big step. did i want you to sleep w/ him no. did you know this, yes, you said that the only person I can blame for this is myself. but I don't. you said it take two to have sex, true but only one to say no. I am starting to see why you an K never get along for too long, you never give the same level of respect that you ask for from everyone else. The only good thing about our convo today and I think you have already dismissed this w/o much though is that you admitted that your treating me like B did to you. And all you had to say was "I'm Sorry." Hell you didn't even look all that surprised.

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

New Update.....

damn this is getting long... Anyhow, I was originally going to end there, drop that after pulling the pin, well. you stuck around long enough that I emotionally pulled the pin, walked and felt better about it, I laughed when I heard that you thought I got laid. HA! you should know better, we are now at the point where you are tired of the mind games, hell the only reason you know they're going on is because you taught me, anyhow you have no idea what we have planned for you. its going to hurt and the only person you'll have to turn to is the guy who doesn't know the real you. the you who's getting pissed at me for turning the tables on you. you still try to play and I let you because it help keeps you blinded. well soon the blindfolds coming off.

everything before this update was before I pulled the pin. now I just have to set off the claymore. this post will be my final farewell to you kid, you have impacted my life, good and bad, thanks for all the fish. its funny, you told me that me diddling you cooter was all for me. hell maybe it was, I enjoyed it, you used to to start fights and to take jabs a me. it was a fair trade. imagine how you could have pissed me off if you had fucked me, oh wait, you already jab me w/ that with "the old Ashley would have already," no she wouldn't because then comparisons would be made between you and K and that cant happen. you use the fact that you an T were seeing each other yet aren't exclusive, as a reason not to fuck me. well that didn't stop you from fucking him. yeah I know different circumstances same basic principal. I'm trying to figure out why you haven't fucked G yet, oh yeah the ring, eh you might as well if his wife doesn't trust you two alone in a private place then shes already worrying. hell you always have his car.

that was a little harsh. eh oh well. G posted a blog that I think was directed towards me and T or at least T about integrity, loyalty, trustworthy, and honor. granted he left out trustworthy but that was a minor over site I'm sure. he was directing it towards the guys. the funny thing is that it should go towards you as well. see he doesn't know you he hasn't been around, yeah you filled him in, you sit there and tell him I'm gaming you all the while gaming him. this isn't fair to the poor guy. it wil all end badly we all know it, well except for G but he'll figure it out either when he gets served or when she forces you out of his life. the kicker is that what made me this way was acting the way he described. this cynical bastard was born from the mold you made. but no one wants to admit they mad Frankenstein's monster.

everyone around me has told me I should have kicked you out long ago or tried the "you need to pay rent or 'pay rent'" I got a good chuckle out of all these suggestions. I now I'm not this person and you know it too, otherwise you'd have been long ago. well kid in the future I'll be this person. Thank you for destroying what little trust I had in ppl.

More to come.

well i finally had some one read this, it felt good, finally have this aired out a little bit, the convo went kinda like this. "Well, your blogspot was so heart-wrenching it made me want to cry with compassion instead of make fun of you. That doesnt happen often." "Thank you I'm glad someone cares." "I do. Even if I'm mean about it. I'm sorry she mistreats you so much. She should realize how lucky she is to have someone care so much." it was nice to have some validation on all of this,. now if only I had sentence structure. oh well.